I intentionally hurt myself over and over again. I purposely trigger memories to see if I’ve gotten over things. I don’t like to ignore any pain I have. So if I’m hurt, I’ll mule over it again and again until I can think about it and feel nothing. It takes time and it hurts during, but it’s how I deal with things. So when I can listen to a song, look at a picture, or think of a memory and it finally doesn’t hurt, that’s when I know I’m getting over it. And nothing is more liberating than realizing you’ll be okay.
Everything was fine and now you’ve just disappeared. This is familiar in two different ways but I guess we all have our reasons. I remember I was waiting for you to get back. I was hoping you’d want to spend time with me. I thought I still mattered. Well I don’t know what happened and why we haven’t talked since you got back. It doesn’t make sense.
I could but I shouldn’t. And if I do, a lot of people will get mad. I don’t know if I want to but maybe it would help. I suppose it would be interesting and get me past what I’m afraid of. I’m thinking it will make everything worse. I could be selfish or I can be considerate of everyone.
I wonder how you’ll try and rub this in my face. In a matter of time you’ll probably text me and tell me how great everything is and I probably won’t say much. You’ll probably try and make me jealous of the fun you’ve been having and I’ll just reply to be polite. I must refrain from telling you how little I care. I’ll try not to tell you how much it doesn’t matter.
"You'll never make me stay so take your weight off of me. I know your every move so won't you just let me be. I've been here times before but I was too blind to see that you seduce every man, this time you won't seduce me."
“You know I wish you nothing but the best right? But at night I pray to God he won’t rest right. You probably think I’m still bitter, well you guessed right. How in the hell did we find ourselves in this mess right?”—Travis McCoy (Don’t Pretend)
My head hits the pillow, a weeping willow. I can't sleep, a pain so deep it bellows. But these cellos help just to keep me mellow, hand's on my head, touched knees to elbow. I'm hunched over, emotion just flows over, these cold shoulders are both frozen, you don't know me.
my thoughts when im trying to go the fuck to sleep:
the purpose of life is not to be happy. it is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well
“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams, If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you any more.”—Lady Gaga (via alexismarie)
Yup, I threw up again and it was a success. I started feeling sick again and now I feel a lot better. I guess I won’t be eating or drinking anything at all because it will only lead to more throw up and sickness. The good news is my mom brought me my favorite socks and they were still warm from the dryer. I’m gonna try and sleep soon. I’m so tired, it was a rough day for everyone in the family.
LOL, I don’t have to worry about getting fat during the holidays. I’ll probably lose weight after everything I threw up and shitted out. I feel so much better after getting everything out. But I’ll probably have another round of this, I can already feel my stomach gurgling and I had my mom get me a fresh bag. So yeah, that was my Christmas :)
Ah, so I spent Christmas in bed, just like yesterday. Everyone is really sick. My dad, niece, and brother in law spent yesterday night and today throwing up. My niece hadn’t been eating much because of how sick she is. I’ve been in my room with my ear ache, fever, and all of that good stuff. We went to the non-emergency hospital today, since there aren’t any doctors open. I got antibiotics for my ear and my niece had a chest x-ray and some other tests. She got some medicine to help with her nausea and she’s feeling a little bit better. So Christmas hasn’t been all that christmas-y but at least I’ll be eating tamales soon, like every christmas. Too bad I was too sick to make any yesterday. This is the first year I didn’t help. Oh well, I’m happy its break. Hopefully we all get better soon!
I spent my Christmas eve in bed. I got up once to go take Christmas pictures, but then I came back and went straight to my room. I didn’t leave my room after that except to eat. My nose is so runny. My whole body hurts and whenever I get up, I get dizzy along with a terrible head ache. Hopefully I don’t feel as sick tomorrow. Goodnight. By the way, the tradition of A Christmas Story movie marathon continues tonight. Woohoo.