When school starts I’m gonna get back to having a routine. Wake up at 7. Cheerios for breakfast. School at 7:50. Sandwich or chicken wrap for lunch. After school activities. Pick up at 5:30. Soccer practice from 6:30 - 8:30 Tuesdays and Thursdays. Gym from 7:45 - 9 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Homework, homework, and more homework before and after. Late dinners. Sleep before 11. Soccer on Saturdays. Homework on Sundays. That’s gonna be my life for the next 9 months.
+ 1
I think by the time this is over, I’m gonna be so fucking immune to it. I’ve already felt that. I’m not even scared anymore.
+ 1
Sometimes it gets so hard. Things seem better and things seem like they’ve changed, but I still feel lost. But then I just feel sad all over again. I hate how it comes and goes. I hate how I torture myself by recalling the smallest of details. I hate feeling all of these regrets. I hate remembering all of those moments. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
+ 2
I shouldn’t have looked at it. But I did. And my stomach hurts now. And I feel like crying. But fuck it. I feel sick all over again. I feel pain in my throat. I shouldn’t care, but of course I do. But I’m just gonna pretend every thing is alright. I mean, I know it happened. I know all of that happened. I was told what happened. And then it made me remember things and I don’t want to remember. And I guess seeing that again makes me feel crappy. And I shouldn’t have looked, but I did. My fault. I still feel crappy. And disgusted. And I’m so confused. What is wrong with me? I should have let you be. I should have let it go right there. But it’s too late for that. So I don’t know what to do. I just feel like shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I want to leave forever. I wish I could undo everything. Just delete everything that happened. But I can’t. And I’m stuck. And I’m sad. And I just feel so confused. How did this happen? I haven’t felt like this for a bit. Kinda where your heart sinks. And everything is shit again. I feel like how I felt back then. Not bad enough to cry. I just feel this sad emptiness. Like I don’t know where to go from here. And I don’t know if things will ever get better. I just keep thinking it will. Like if I hold in long enough, it’s gonna go away. I just know I can’t go anywhere. Because I don’t want to give up like I did before. But it’s just so hard.
+ 3
I need to start school. And I need to see my friends. And I need to make new friends.
+ 1
When I say I’m not enough for you, I mean it. But I don’t say it in a self pity, insecure sense. I am confident enough to know my own worth and to know what I deserve. I know I am enough in all shallow senses of the word.
But when I say I’m not enough, I mean I’m not enough to keep you happy. I am not enough to give you comfort or contentment. I am not enough to make things easier. I am not enough to take your mind off your bothers. I am not enough to make things better. I am not enough to deal with this baggage. I am not enough to compete with your past. I am not enough to make things right. I do not give you what you need. And in that, I am not enough.
+ 3
I only write when I’m unhappy. I only write when I have too much on my mind. I only write when I need to sort out my feelings. And I guess its a good sign that I don’t have much to write about anymore.
+ 1
You don’t have to share everything, but I wish you’d share something. I’m nearing the point where I no longer want to ask questions because I know you have no interest in giving answers. And that’s unfortunate.
+ 1
Once in a while, I tend to ask people why they haven’t hit me up. And the funny part is that I know why. It’s because I don’t reply or I make very little effort to catch up with them. I act as if I genuinely miss them, and yet I never seem to get back to them. Whenever they do try to talk to me, I ignore them or push them aside. I think I do it just to make sure they remember me. I like to keep myself in their thoughts. But selfishly, I only talk to them when it’s convenient for me. I try to pop up every once in a while but I always disappear as soon as I arrive.
+ 1
